Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Heart Wide Open: A Letter to Baby K

Hey everyone! I've been so busy lately working on paperwork & fundraising for our adoption! Our Puzzle Fundraiser is going strong, & our Etsy shop is keeping me very busy! Cary & I have also been working on getting some of the remaining paperwork completed. I have been meaning to write a more personal post for a while now, but I haven’t been able to find words to express my heart. The truth is - it’s been a struggle keeping my emotions balanced on this adoption journey. I’ve been trying to hold it together by pacing myself emotionally & putting most of my focus on fundraising, paperwork & the few things I can control. I’m so thankful that God sees my struggle & meets me where I am. Today I was finally able to get out some of the things out that I’ve been carrying around in my mind & in my heart. It’s a really personal post, but I thought I would share it. It’s really messy, rough & raw, & has a ton of grammatical errors but I wanted to leave it unedited & honest.
Cary and I would love to have your prayers as we continue to walk through this complex adoption journey & wait for our precious Baby K! We continue to feel so loved & blessed by your support, prayers & encouragement!

My sweet Baby K,

A few days ago, your dad & I talked about baby names for YOU! It’s something we used to be do all the time before receiving our infertility diagnosis but have rarely done since. We’ve been through so much heartache & pain on this long journey to meet you, and that somewhere along the way I put a guard up around my heart. Don’t get me wrong, you’re on my mind everyday little one, I talk about you & share about you & wonder about you…but I’ve realized that so much of me has been fighting against truly letting you in. It’s been a daily battle for me. The truth is that I am scared. I’m scared to completely give my heart over again…I’m afraid to let my dreams of you run wild, I’m terrified to imagine what it would be like to hold you in my arms & have you home…because I have been so hurt & so disappointed. I’ve waited so long & I don’t want those hopes to be crushed again. There’s been so much pain in this journey to finally meet you so I’ve learned to pace myself when it comes to opening my heart. I know that nothing is secure yet, we don’t have any guarantees, we don’t even have any details about you yet sweet baby, and so I keep trying to wait to feel all of these emotions inside of me…it’s so hard to protect my heart when all it wants is to finally burst with love & plans for you. Lately, it seems like everyday I experience something that helps me inch my heart open a little bit more. Like talking about baby names…your dad & I talked for hours about names, we made lists & we tested out different spellings, wrote down names in both print & cursive, we looked up pronunciations & meanings & thought about middle names & nick names…& we laughed & looked at each other like “is this really, finally happening?!” then I took a shower & totally broke down in tears of both intense sadness & joy. Tears of sadness as I mourn so many things-our infertility, the uncertainty that comes with the process of adoption, the loss of ability to know you from conception, the heavy weight I carry everyday while I wait for you-ultimately the lack of control I feel & have felt throughout this whole journey…and tears of joy for the miracle & blessing that you already have been & will be to me & your daddy, joy for the moments like this when I’m so overwhelmed with hope for what’s to come…& joy for the relief I feel from letting my guard down a little bit more. In these moments of tangled emotion, I just try to be still & wait on God…I try to keep my heart open a little bit longer & say, “Lord, I trust you with my heart, with my dreams, with my family & with my child.” Standing there in that moment, I breathe a sigh of relief because I truly believe again that God really is in control…most days I know this in my head, but in this moment, I know it in my heart. He fills me with peace & He reassures me that He is good. He loves you, my little baby even more than I do. He has a plan & He is with me through this journey. He helps me trust in Him and not in myself or in my ability to control my emotions. He helps bring my guard down & helps calm my racing mind & soothes my aching heart. His peace allows me to be a little bit more vulnerable with Him, with myself & with your dad.  And because of His love & presence in my life, I can allow my heart to open up a little bit more to all of those dreams I’ve been keeping inside of me. I can dream about looking into your eyes for the first time, my precious little one, even though I don’t know what shape & color they will be, I know they will be the most precious little eyes I’ve ever seen. I can dream about bringing you home & snuggling with little tiny newborn you…I can imagine singing you lullabies and tickling your tiny cute toes. I am dreaming about laughing as your daddy changes your dirty diapers & swaddles you up with love & kisses. I can imagine him making you laugh with his silly faces & tossing you up in the air (when you get big enough!) I can imagine waking up with you in the morning, when I’m completely exhausted but so full of love for you, rocking you to sleep in the middle of the night & breathing in those sweet moments when you fall asleep in my arms. I allow myself to imagine hearing you mumble your first words, hearing your first laugh & even watching you throw your first temper tantrum. I can allow myself to imagine YOU & not just the thought of you. Little one, there’s been so much pain & difficulty in this journey to find you but there’s also been healing & joy. In the depths of my heart, I know that I am right where I am supposed to be. That God is preparing me for you little one, and He’s helping me through this complicated journey. I’ve known my whole life I was meant to be a mother, and you will make me one sweet baby. I love you so much already little one and I can’t wait to meet you. I’m so thankful that today, God gave me the courage to allow myself to sit still, with my heart wide open & imagine these moments with you.

Photo credit to Eva Cranford Photography 
Photo Credit to R. Guidry Photographie 

 I've been reading lots of adoption blogs & articles lately. Here's a post that really touched my heart today: http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/

Thanks so much for checking in! 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28 

1 comment:

  1. We love you and are praying for the success of your long journey. Uncle David