Time is flying! Can’t believe we are entering into our third month here in Canada! I can't lie it's been an emotional day & a rough week but we are really excited about the month ahead! We have so many things to celebrate! We get a week off from football, Cary’s parents are coming to visit, we celebrate getting engaged 3 years ago on the 25th, Cary’s golden birthday is on the 28th, & our best friend Allie is coming to visit at the very end of the month! Last but certainly not least, we will hopefully be ACTIVE before this month is over (active meaning ready to present our adoption profile book to birthmothers)!
Another really cool thing about August, is that last year at this time, God started stirring my heart about adoption. Let me tell you a little bit about August of last year…
I remember being in our apartment in Edmonton & finding out we weren’t pregnant again. It was our 7th month of trying to conceive (or TTC as they say on all the online forums-that's a joke). With every negative pregnancy test, I felt my heart shatter a little bit more. I had suspected that something wasn’t right since our 2nd month of trying. I know this “feeling” that I had early on about infertility was from God. I know that might sound a little crazy, & believe me, whenever I voiced this fear & feeling that “something just wasn’t right” to anyone, I was told so. “Keep trying, you’re too stressed, have faith, loosen up, have a few drinks first, try praying these scriptures, try this & this & this…it’s too early to be worried something is wrong, worrying will only decrease the chances, it’ll happen soon, it took this person this long to conceive so there’s no reason to get worked up”, & on & on & on… I know most of these people meant well, & it wouldn’t be fair to blame them for not knowing what to say… but I also can’t say it didn’t hurt to hear over & over again that it was somehow my fault that we weren’t getting pregnant. Whether or not people meant to convey this to me, it was conveyed time & time again. I was angry, hurt, broken & discouraged…& admittedly, nothing anyone said could have made it better. Maybe sometimes, there just aren’t words for a pain so deep.
So anyway, there’s a little peek into how I was doing a year ago. Obviously, I was having a really rough time. Like I said, it was our 7th month of bad news. I remember sitting in our living room that night, battling tears of anger & despair as I told God how hurt & disappointed I was, again. As I sat in the silence, I felt God’s presence draw near to me, & I withdrew from Him, using my pain as a shield… After a few minutes, I let my guard down just a little bit & felt a calmness come over me. His peace really does pass all understand (Philippians 4:7). After a few minutes of quiet silence, I felt a strong push to open my computer & Google “starting the process of adoption”. For the next hour, I read all about the process of adoption. As I was researching, I felt a little glimmer of hope begin to blossom in my broken heart. Again, just like the “feeling” I had received from Him that something wasn’t right with our fertility, I was given a similar “feeling” about the future of our family & His call for us to adopt. We always knew we wanted to adopt, but until last August, it was for me, something we would pursue in the far off future after having a few biological children. I brought the topic of adoption up to Cary & we decided to wait to look into it more seriously. At the time, Cary didn’t think we had a reason to suspect infertility, & therefore thought I was jumping the gun by bringing up adoption so soon. I don’t blame him, poor guy, I was such an emotional mess at the time…He
probably thought I was going a bit
Over the next couple of months, I rarely mentioned the option of adoption to anyone. I mostly kept the topic close to my heart, & believed that God would bring it up again in His time. And He did! It wasn’t until 6 months later, after we’d endured a whole lot more pain, loss & heartache, when God lit the fire in our hearts to seriously & quickly start the process of adoption.
Throughout this journey of infertility & adoption, I’ve continuously battled the lie that God has abandoned me. Have you ever felt like that? The devil uses our pain, disappointment & crushed dreams to deceive us. He presses on those wounds, overwhelming us with the pain of our circumstances, until we start to doubt God’s goodness & love for us. Thankfully, through all of the ups & downs in this journey, God has never forsaken or abandoned me (or you)! He has done everything to remind me that I am His child, beloved & chosen by Him. His character, love & promises have never changed. I don’t have all of the answers, & I don’t always understand His plan….but I am choosing to walk in faith by trusting Him. It’s been a rough 19 months, & I’m still carrying so much of the pain with me, but He is so gentle & patient with me. Letting Him into the broken places of my heart is still a battle, but I know His love and healing are worth it. I have to say that I wouldn’t have made it this far without my loving & faithful husband. When I was drowning in doubt, Cary was standing in faith. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband & his unwavering commitment to me & the Lord.
It’s such a comfort to me to look back to last August, & remember so clearly the moment God revealed a little bit of His plan to me. At a time when my dreams were crushed, He quietly planted a seed for a new dream. Even though it took months for that seed to take root, it’s so encouraging to know that He began “a good work” in my heart this time a year ago & that He will be faithful to “carry it to completion” (Philippians 1:6). So here we are, a whole year later, still waiting & hoping for news of our little Baby…still on an emotional roller coaster ride to start our family…but more confident than ever that He is good, He is with us & He has a plan for our family.
If you are in a hard place in your life, whether it’s because of infertility, miscarriage, divorce, depression, struggles with your weight, stress in the workplace, loss of someone you love… Whatever you are dealing with, please know that God sees you & He is with you! Even when it feels like He has abandoned you, I promise you He has not. He loves you & He will never leave you or forsake you. He is good & He is trustworthy. Reach out to Him, don’t use your pain as a shield…Let Him in and in the midst of your pain you will find love, healing & hope.
Thanks so much for following our journey! We cherish your prayers!
"One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple. For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock." ~Psalm 27:4-5
"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand,and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." ~Romans 5:2-5
"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." ~Romans 12:12
"The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." ~Zephaniah 3:17
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." ~Romans 15:13