I am a planner. Well, I'm actually more of a control freak, but planner sounds a little bit better to me. ;) Our adoption journey has been super challenging for me for many reasons. One big reason is that there's so much I don't have control over in this process. Deep down, we all know we aren't in control of too much in our lives, but a lot of the time we pretend like we are because life is less scary that way. Even as Christians we often live this; we plan, scheme, control &...oh yeah, we also pray & like totally trust God.
Infertility & the process of adoption have made me continuously aware that I'm really not in control of my fertility, my family, my life. Diagnoses clear up the illusion of control real quick. I can't control even the most basic things that many women take completely for granted. I don't have control over growing my family, which I always assumed was my God given right. I don't have control over our infertility diagnosis & I can't change or even understand what's going wrong in both of our bodies. I don't have control over what my unborn child is being exposed to or which birth mother will choose us to parent her baby, etc. At times in this journey, this has driven me absolutely crazy. I've been hurt, disappointed, angry, I've felt entitled, confused, jealous & bitter. Thankfully, God doesn't leave me alone in this confusing mess of pain & disappointment. He is showing me so much about His purposes & has used this process to strengthen my faith. He is teaching, loving & humbling me as I walk this journey. He is revealing to me new ways to pray & communicate with Him that have less to do with what I want to happen & more with giving Him the control. I am walking with Him hand in hand through circumstances & trusting He knows best no matter the outcome.
I have begun to realize that my life is not all about me & His plans are better than my plans. This sounds so clique but I don't say it lightly. It's been a difficult process for me to be able to claim that & mean it; some days I still don't fully believe it. Some days, I'm still tempted to feel cursed & abandoned by God. But God tells me that it's ok to be honest with Him about what I feel & what I'm believing. Acknowledging what I'm feeling helps me separate my messy emotions from His truth. God knows I'm still growing & learning & hurting. He knows my desires, doubts, selfishness & my weaknesses. He knows & still HE is bigger than all of that. He gives me grace on grace. With His grace He blows me away, puts me in my place & lovingly opens my eyes…grace, what a beautiful & undeserved gift to receive from the Creator of the universe.
This process has caused me to seek God, lean on Him & trust in His timing in new ways. He has been with me this whole time & He is helping me piece myself back together. He is helping me to come out of this stronger & wiser & more confident in Him. I am learning that there is hope through suffering. I'm learning that faith can be found & strengthened in the midst of hardship. Cary & I might not ever be healed from our infertility diagnosis, & if we aren't, it doesn't mean that God has abandoned us or that He isn't good. God doesn't always answer our prayers in the way that we want Him too, but that doesn't mean He doesn't love us or that our faith isn't strong enough.
Through this little bit of suffering I've gone through, I've found that through suffering, there are valuable lessons to be learned, compassion to be found for others, & still joy to be experienced. He is worthy of praise through pain. I've heard these truths all my life, but they have taken on new depths in my heart. His unwavering love is helping me believe that He really is good through any circumstance. He is teaching me these lessons so that I can share about His faithfulness, His love, His plan. I can testify in a new way that God brings beauty from ashes, joy from mourning. He shifts my perspective, He brings purpose to my life, He gives me hope, He never abandons me.
God has always had a bigger purpose for me than just my plans & my dream of a family. He wants me to know Him & experience His love. He is using my experience to grow, change & deepen my faith & my understanding of who He is. Maybe this journey is all about Him & not so much all about me. God wants the world to know, wants you to know, that He is good, He is enough, He is better.
Thanks for following along in our journey. I hope what you read here encourages you. No matter what the circumstances in your life, God is good & He loves you. He offers peace & hope to those who seek Him.
As always, thanks so much for the prayers & support!